Feeling comfortable with your therapist or counsellor is important as it affects how well the treatment works. Research shows that how well you get on with your therapist may be as important as the type of therapy you have.
“The most important factor in determining whether your therapy is successful is your relationship with the therapist,” says Phillip Hodson of the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy. “If a counsellor is brilliant at the theory but doesn’t have much empathy with people, their results won’t be so impressive.”
What sort of therapist do you want?
Before you start looking for a therapist, think about what kind of therapist you want. For instance, you may prefer a man or a woman, someone with the same background as you or someone your own age or older.
If you’re having talking treatment on the NHS or couples therapy from the charity Relate, you’ll be referred to a specific counsellor or therapist (although the person who refers you for therapy should consider your views if you have a strong preference regarding which professional you're allocated). That doesn’t mean you have to stick with a counsellor or therapist you’re not happy with. If it’s not working, ask for a referral to a different therapist (although you may have to wait).
Finding the right therapist for you
When you meet a therapist for the first time, you’ll get a sense of whether you can work together.
"If you’re paying for private therapy, you can treat the initial assessment a bit like an audition," says Phillip.
"It’s a good sign if you get a gut feeling the therapist knows what they’re doing and you’re able to talk openly with them. But if you don't get this feeling then I’d advise you not to continue."
He says that talking therapies can mean opening up about your private thoughts and feelings, so it’s important that the therapist puts you at ease and that you feel able to talk honestly without getting too nervous or embarrassed.
Ask yourself:
- Do you feel comfortable telling this person intimate details about your life?
- Do you like their manner towards you?
- Do you trust them?
- Do you feel safe with them?
- Do you feel they want what’s best for you?
A good therapist:
- listens to what you say
- values what you say
- shows empathy and understanding
- doesn’t talk down to you
- checks you're getting what you want from therapy
- deals with any worries you may have about the therapy, such as how you’ll manage when it comes to an end
Getting the most out of talking therapy
Therapy is a two-way process and the more effort you put into it, the better the results are likely to be. "Talking therapies are tough and difficult for both you and the therapist," says Phillip Hodson. "They’re not meant to be cosy and you’re not there to just chat and have coffee. The sessions are hard work." His tips for anyone beginning talking treatment are:
- Expect to feel awkward and nervous at first. You’ll feel less intimidated as time goes on.
- Talking therapies require you to be completely honest with yourself. Be prepared to face up to your fears. This can mean remembering and talking about distressing memories, intimate topics and private thoughts and feelings.
- There may be tasks, or homework, to do between sessions, such as trying out new ways of behaving or keeping a diary. Don’t skip these exercises. You’ll get better and quicker results if you complete them.
